Red Pain!

I am in serious pain today. I overdid it yesterday and the day before, of course. But even before that, last Friday evening, as Brutus was headed out the door to his new home, the seed man and his wife, who asked help a couple years back, trapping cats at the seed warehouse where he works, stopped by.

Her mom had died, over in Germany. By shipping crate, a huge huge one, over the seas came her moms furniture. Out with the old, in with the vintage.

They asked if I wanted their couch and kitchen table. I looked at photos and said "Yes!" They're gorgoues. I have them so far in the garage, and briefly considered leaving them there, creating a cat free space for me to relax and eat.

In preparation for moving them inside, I did a whole lot of rearranging and trying to fix broken things. This was heavy duty moving of heavy furniture and carrying the older TV around. It's no slim jim style TV and weighs a million pounds. As I moved things around, I was cleaning. I never made it to moving in the table and couch. I then rounded up the cats Monday and took them up Tuesday in a marathon effort while I tried also to catch those four remaining kittens from the torti mom.

I found out they existed when I trapped one kitten with the torti mother.

So, I ended up hurting myself. I am not in searing white pain. I am in red pain.

Red pian is hurt all over pain combined with a deep sadness I feel throughout my body and soul. That is because physical pain is combined with despair over not saving those two tiny kittens out there, now existing in freezing nights.

My right knee is falling apart in pain and dysfunction at the moment. I can only use it with great caution.

I went up and down into that ditch searching for those kittens when so tired I could barely stand last night. I would tell myself, "You can do it, come on, move your legs, those kittens are counting on you." I fell a few times on loose rocks. I hit my head on some sharp object. I'm beat up and bruised.

I woke up with terrible burning pain in my lower left abdomin. It might be my lower back exhibiting pain up front. I don't know. I can't even sit with that horrible pain in my lower left front.

Nonetheless, I had to return cats this morning. No choice. Had to drag out of bed to take the four back to Earl street, and, since they were not home, lift the carriers and one trap with the cats over their fence to let them out inside the fenced area. I returned the Clover Ridge female, too.

I sat at the church colony and searched, but not a sign of the kittens I found. Their mother was in the car. She was supposed to get a brand new lease on life by moving up to the feeders barn because none of the cats live long at the church colony.

They've been feeding there three to five years, and still, there are only a handful of adult cats. The rest have died or been killed. Nobody survives there long. I didn't want to turn her losse there. She's young and has no chance there.

I didn't want tiny kittens however to die alone without their mom with them. It was an unkind dilemma and I had to turn her loose to go to her kittens. She was heavy to carry down the road to the ditch there. I don't know what people thought. I don't care. Anybody could have stopped to help. They could have helped long long ago.

Then I had to go way out beyond Lebanon to return the Attic Cats female kitten fixed yesterday. I told them if they catch another, since they have a trap, they need to bring the cat to me, and pick her up. It's ridiculous I drive clear out there for them every time.

I finally got to come home, but my brother calls, my older brother. There was an incident by his place in the night and a young man might have lost his life. The police were able to bring him back twice with CPR, he said, as they awaited an ambulance. My brother said it was traumatic to see a young kid, you know, late teens or something, die. But the cops giving CPR, kept bringing him back and were upset the ambulance wasn't there yet.

My brother thinks it will be a drug overdose if he ever hears. Heroin maybe. It's big in Portland. He said the guy was screaming up at his eaves, which awakened him and his wife, just screaming, like a demon almost, then went out into the middle of the street and was screaming then just collapsed in the middle of the street. There was no traffic, my brother said, and he put on a robe and ran out there and flagged down a car, after calling 911, and they tried to move the young man out of the street so he would not be hit. My brother was still upset over the whole thing, sounded like, and hopes to hear what caused the young man's problem and he hopes he lived.

After that, because I could barely function out of exhaustion talking to my brother but I wanted to because he has not called me in ages and I mean ages. So I wanted to be lucid on the phone with him, but in the end I wasn't. He asked how I was. I told him I was in severe pain and exhaustion currently so to take anything I said with that in mind. I told him how devastated I had been to get that e-mail from the city with the Safehaven thing, how bad I felt then. I told him about the last few days, in brief, and those kittens I had wanted to save. But I was slipping away, barely able to stay awake, wanting my bed. I then went to bed and slept several hours before awakening to more pain.

Anyhow, old woman like me, beat up like I am, I should have given up on finding those kittens by 9:00 last night because they would not be out if they're still alive after that. I couldn't get them out of my mind, however. It was bad to come home to that letter from Wells Fargo saying all that stuff, how they were not going to deny the charge for the bad vaccines and if I wanted the case reopened I'd have to hire an outside expert on vaccines.

Was not good timing at all. Double whammies I call them.

I am so isolated here. No help. No support. It is unbelievably tough to do it all alone and to be strong no matter what happens, no matter how much work must be done, no matter how much pain I might be in, no matter how little money I have, no matter how much people suck off me and give nothing back, most of them. It is so hard to do all this alone and maintain. My support system are my online buds, like Jeanne in Baltimore, Kate in HB, Connie in Floriday, Kay in New York. I wish you all lived here and we could all go out once a week, laugh and joke and enjoy one another's company. But I want to thank my online friends because you help me so much. Thank you.

Wells Fargo kicked me when I was down.

You two kittens out there, in the briars, in this cold cold world, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your mother too who had a chance, to maybe make it to her golden years in a better place and now won't. I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry. I won't stop looking for you.

I have a thing about that, about the unwanteds who nobody notices, who suffer terrible fates, sight unseen, or even in broad daylight and people look away. Because I am one of them. It shouldn't be. Nobody should be so unwanted. Nobody.