Friday, February 15, 2013


I'm way behind on projects.  I have to DIY everything in my life.  Takes a lot of youtube how to video watching.  Sure does.  A lot of making snarky know it all comments on DIY video channels only to be outsnarked by some 12 year old genius nerd DIYer.

This weekend I intend to make some shoes.  I need them. I've put off learning to shoemake then actually shoemaking for at least two months. They'll probably be unsightly.  People who stare at your shoes are weird anyhow.  Well, I tend to stare at people's shoes.  But only out of envy.

Then, I need to learn how to remove a car engine, with mostly home made tools.  How hard could that be?  I mean, really?

Then I'll need to either repair the engine or rebuild it, or just build a new one from scratch.  While that's in the oven, I will pound out and repair all my car exterior dents and scratches after reading some how to's on ehow and watching youtube DIY vids.  They make it look easy, I swear.  Sort of.

Then I need to get cracking at learnin (Yeah Pat Sajak, I did say "learnin") how to make home made anesthesia.  Hopefully I can find plants that will work for that in my yard.  Or a neighbors yard (after dark).  After I learn that, I'll study up some on surgical procedure, online of course (why not) and do my own dentals on my cats.  Think how great that will be.  I can practise on myself too, since I so far still have not found a dentist and have little specks of black showing up around one front tooth filling that partially fell out.   Then I'll make jewelry from any teeth I extract. (another project).

And then I'm going to make that couch.  I must have watched 20 couch making youtube videos this week alone.

And after that, I have to get that biodigester going, to break down all the cat shit flying around here into something useful, instead of a garbage bill.  Methane!!!  I could possibly blow up this house, or better yet a neighbors, if I make it wrong, so I'll have to study up good before I start out (watch even more how to youtube vids).  A good biodigester might make enough methane during the hot season here (when the biodigesting is good) to light a couple lightbulbs.  Hallelujah.  Man, think about that a minute.  OK maybe don't.

Motivation hasn't been high lately. I mostly open and close the frig to see if anything has magically appeared there.  Then I give up and eat a handful of almonds in a bag down on the bottom shelf.  This evening I wanted to buy some catnip.  I know I should have grown enough of my own but I didn't.  I have only three stalks left hanging to dry in my closet.  Three lousy stalks.

I went to Walmart after catnip.  I like to get my cats high.  How bad could even Walmart mess up a jar of catnip?  Really bad, I found out.  The dried out brown cut ups in the jar looked more like crunched lawn leaves and had the same moldy smell, too.  I told the clerk, "I don't think this is even catnip in here."  I tried to get her to smell it but she wouldn't which I thought was lazy.  They should care, I think. I said to her "Look---Made in China" and pointed to that with a smirk, like that was enough to convince her it wasn't likely catnip in the jar that said it was catnip.  She took the jar from me and stuffed it down somewhere out of sight to shut me up.

I also started down the auto DIY aisle.  Why not?  I started looking at all the promises made on the high mileage oil and I liked those promises even though I'd already read online reports that said those promises are lies.  So I bought two quarts of the cheapest highest mileage oil.

I was a little jealous of the meteorite hitting in the small town way out in Siberia.  I suppose they deserve their 15 minutes but I was jealous.  I thought it should have hit here.  Everybody would have had a reason to talk to one another after it hit here.  At least for awhile.  If someone had like a cut they got from like slipping in dog shit left by a neighbors dog in their yard, they would say "Yeah, the blast knocked me off my feet and I hit my head."   Like that, you know.  Provide an air of drama to our lives here, for gosh sakes we need it.

Maybe I would have been out along a road and would have gotten it on my camera and made money selling that to like CNN.  Maybe Anderson Cooper would have called me up on the phone to ask me if I was scared when I saw it passing over and coming my way.

 I used to have a crush on Anderson Cooper.  Back when I had no life.  I guess I have a life now.  I'm told I do.  I'm not sure what it is.   Then my brother told me Anderson Cooper is gay.  That was mean.  I probably don't read the right places to have ever have found that out on my own.  So I told him Jillian on Biggest Loser is gay because he has a crush on her.  So he told me "She's not that gay because she likes Bob".  Then he told me he read that she said she will love whomever she is attracted to, male or female.  So he wins and gets to keep his little crush but I don't get to keep mine?

So the meteorite missed Albany and headed off to dazzle Russia.  Darn it.  It was SUV size I heard.  Probably the football field size one will make a Uturn and come back to take out Albany.

I cut my hair Wednesday night, in stages, between watching the newest Survivor.  They have so little content on that show, with huge long commercial breaks.  You could read half a book during a Survivor commercial break, I swear.  I propped a little hand mirror in the window.  It's about four inches across.  I held a flashlight and used kitchen scissors.  Came out Fabulous of course as it would under such circumstances.  Looks cut in an expensive French shop, I can almost imagine.

So I took the two calicos down to a Eugene rescue today.  I was super relieved to find out they would take them on.  I will try not to worry about them getting a rotten terrible home with some lousy two bit loser.  I'm sure they're good at screening out people like that.  I tried to imagine my car was a plane on the drive home. It was making terrible noises, vibrating and there was a distinct burning smell again coming through the heater system.  So I pretended I was in a plane flying far far away and that at my destination, I would disembark, be handed car keys, toss a suitcase into the back of a convertible, shake myself,  which would automatically  throw off my old jeans and T-shirt under which would be shorts and a flowery feathery blouse and sunglasses.  Then off I went, driving along a cliff, sun above, palm trees on either side, and an azure ocean far below.  I'm there now, I think.

Well, my cats are fighting so I have to sign off.  They would not be fighting if Walmarts catnip didn't look like flood damaged shredded newspaper.  They'd be high right now, rolling around, eyes wide, ignoring everything bad in the world, loving one another.

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