Cat Eyes---A Cat Woman's Photos: The Dead and the Dying

Feather's bloodwork came back bad. She is in kidney failure. A couple months back another vet told me that and said not to spend a bunch on tests, just to give her fluids until it was her time. Now is her time and I wish I had taken that advice to heart. I'd have more money right now. Money is hard to come by. Everything is going up in price, but not my pathetic little income. Life has become a struggle.

My old computer crashed suddenly. I had not backed up all my files. I think they're gone for good now. This tower I am using now will suddenly shut down. In the morning, when I start it, the thing claims improper shut down detected or something like that, and goes to a reboot page. Every single time. No clue on why. Computers are expensive and mysterious and not very sturdily built. Plastic crap with a circuit board and a hard drive. I guess you pay for the hard drive and the circuit board.

I totally hate a new tower. They mess with everything on every version so you spend another year trying to figure it out. I fricking hate that. This has Windows 7 and it seems to be useless. It won't recognize the cable from the camera to upload photos. Word version is just totally different too, and you once again have to figure it out. It fricking sucks. These computer builders must think that's all the time anybody has to do, is figure out their new versions of everything. I fricking hate it. I was only able to upload two photos the first day I used this and now it refuses to recognize the plug in usb cord from my camera. I am about to swear off electronics.

I mowed fields for 10 hours the last two days in exchange for a tank of gas. That's how bad things have become. But the tractor hurt my back badly, the vibration and bouncing so that my knees had locked and my back was in spasms at the end. I could not walk. Getting old.

After getting back from the very long day mowing, I back out my driveway. It's twilight, the hardest time to see, backing out, because the brake lights are hazed by the twilight. My driveway is sloped downward, so there is that time between day and night, I can't really see to back down it. Usually that is not a problem. Last night, I caught the edge of the bumper on the garden box. I have three of them lining the edge of the driveway. I thought nothing of it, since it was just a tap, but then as I got to the street, I heard something dragging. My rear bumper popped off.

The bumper is designed to pop off. But it's held on with cheap plastic clips. I will guess some of them had already failed in years gone by. Now my rear bumper is duct taped on. Total white trash out.

Stupidly, I drove to the seed warehouse last night again. I wanted to pick up my traps. I'd left them tied open Sunday morning when I returned the two black females. Sunday morning I could not stay long. OSU graduation was taking place, with Michelle Obama the speaker, and traffic would soon be a nightmare over that way. So I had to go back late, after all that graduation nightmare traffic went away. I'd slept three hours after mowing those fields. I had not eaten all day and finally chewed on a tortilla and a few almonds. I saw the Siamese with two kittens that morning. I want to catch her and find somewhere to take her kittens.

So I went back after my traps, after the long day of mowing, after my bumper popped off my car, after taping it back on, I went all the way back to the seed warehouse. I was upset. I had received news of Feather's bad blood work. I knew today she would die. I wanted to sob. I wanted to sob because I'm reduced to scrounging for pennies, to whoring myself out pretty much, to fill my stupid car's gas tank so I don't sit here day in and day out, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Everything has gone up in price, but my income never ever will.

So even though I am doggedly tired, so tired I thought to myself "if I fall, hit my head, and die, well would that be so bad?", I decide to set traps. Such a diehard I am. I set the traps I had tied open that morning. I hope to catch the Siamese and her kittens. Instead, I caught two huge males. Shit. The clinic is not until Friday! Shit.

But I still felt good when I caught them, that I'm still worth something. I'm not dead yet. Feather is dying and that is terribly sad. But I'm not quite dead yet.