Monday, May 14, 2012

Strong Need to Leave

I have wanted to leave this area for a long time.  I need to figure out some plan of action soon, or it will become impossible, as I grow older.

My primary reason I want to leave is incredible daily aching loneliness. I can't take it any longer.

I have been unable to make any meaningful local connections.  Plus there isn't anything to do in this town to help make connections. 

For months I go without any real human contact.  Try doing that and then try to stay sane or even cling to a reason to live.

Further, cul de sac life will drive you nuts.  I guarantee it, sooner or later.  With me, it's sooner.  I am not cut out for this.  It's like living in a fish bowl full of unfamiliar predators and chameleons.

There have been more car issues here, with the two cul de sac rentals.  Both have a zillion cars.  Why rent a house in a cul de sac when you have a zillion cars and are not even willing to house two of them in your own garage?  No clue.  I would think to myself, 'Oh, this place only has room for two cars in the garage and two in the driveway since it's in the end of a cul de sac, and we have twenty cars.  But we won't park them in our garage either, meaning about 18 of our cars won't have anywhere to be parked, so we'll look for somewhere else to rent."  Wouldn't you think that?  Or would you think, 'What the hell.  We have twenty cars.  We refuse to park even two in our own garage.  But man, we'll just store them in front of neighbors' houses.  They won't care.  I bet they'll love our cars."    Cul de sacs seem to attract car collectors.  Why?  Beats me.

So one couple had a face to face shout out with the new cul de sac car people a few weeks ago.  Then they began storing a car long term, not moving it, in front of my place. I finally drove down and told them I didn't care if visitors park for coming and going but I don't want their excess vehicles stored for their convenience in front of my bedroom window.  They're really nice people, except they don't get the car problem.  They don't see it as an issue at all.  I call it really short sighted, to rent a place that cannot accommodate your own stuff.

So he starts in about how this is the worst neighborhood he's ever lived in and that he has five more cars still he hasn't brought in, and finally I relent and tell him to go ahead and park out front of my place, that I don't care anymore, mainly because they're nice, not yelling at me for talking to them and not drug people.  Yeah, I relented because they're not yelling at me and they're not drug people and that is fricking unusual over here, believe me.

.  He's already told me when they all move out he hopes tweekers move in to give the old couple next door hell again.  I can't take all this cul de sac car drama.   One neighbor told me not to worry about the cars in front of my place, so when I told her I talked to them about it and said they could park there, she changed and said I shouldn't have done that and she sure doesn't want them parking in front of her place.

Sometimes I think I'm just the brunt of a bunch of cruel games, being played back and forth on me. I'm earnest and gullible and so damn anxious to find friends.  Makes me a target.

 I hate living here.   I don't blame the old man next door for being gone almost 24/7 and no longer even mowing his yard.  I don't blame him one bit. He's alive.  I checked.  He watches TV loud, middle of the night.  I'm going to be like him, until I find a way out.

I have nothing to lose by striking out for somewhere else, if I can swing a way with the cats.  My life here is not a life. I want to find another place farther north, near Portland, but rural since housing in the Portland metro area is sky high.  I don't know if I will be able to find somewhere to live but I am darn sure going to try because staring at the walls, talking to myself, ain't cutting it and it's been going on too long.

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