Thursday, January 28, 2010

Oregon Tax Measures Pass Without Me

I did not vote. It felt wrong to me. It's not my money, I feel somewhere deep inside, to take away from people, by checking a box. I've always felt that way. If I was paying those taxes and I wanted to pay them, then I would say ok, but I don't pay those taxes or even feign to understand how it might affect business or the rich.

I don't know rich people. In fact, I think they're mythical creatures. They may as well be. The circles I've lived in, and in my isolation, I would never encounter such people. I hear about them, see recreations of what they might be like on TV and in movies, but I can't believe they exist. Not really.

I know business is what fuels everything. I don't believe in making it harder to run businesses or keep jobs. Public Employee jobs don't count really, because they cost taxpayers. I've heard tales that half Oregon's workforce is composed of public employees. I don't know if that is true. I know at OSU there are lots of people who work at the university but are privately employed as contractors or researchers and actually produce money. At least I know one of those. Diane that's you, if you still read.

Public employees are vital people, however. As long as they don't cost so much they bog the state down. They teach the children so those children can grown up to get jobs, open businesses and pay taxes that support that cycle, the circle. And they perform a lot of really needed services.

I know they get great benefits compared to everyone else and lots of people see this as the reason Oregon is going under and due to their union, that does not allow bad employees to be fired, not really, and doesn't give an inch in PERS, even when the state and the rest of its citizens are being forced off a cliff. It's too bad everyone can't have retirements like PERS. It'd be great

Back to the tax measures, I didn't vote and I am not ashamed I didn't vote. I've taken crap off people all my life for not being good enough, for not holding a job, even though the system itself recruited me as a lifer. I'll never be good enough. A lifetime of such rants against the likes of me has taken its toll on my spirit.

I have only one defense now that I fall back on. Perhaps it seems pathetic to some, but it's all I have. I tell people "I do work. I am a public employee." That's what I consider myself. I am on disability. That's taxpayer money. Therefore I am a public employee, a public servant and I faithfully serve the public, because that's what public employees do. I'm out there, like I was tonight, half the night, trapping cats, serving the public. I'm a public servant you see, proud of what I do, wise in use of taxpayer money, as best I can be.

That's what I have to tell myself, to maintain any ability to face the angry judgemental faces out there.

"You good for nothing, on public assistance!" It is not just Rush Limbaugh who makes such cries. I've been thusly accused all my life.

My excuses and reasons mean nothing.

"No," I can only offer, and honestly, "I am a dedicated public servant and I would never misuse or flaunt the $649 per month salary that I get. Do not worry. I am on the job. I am effective and efficient."

If you ask, if you see me, if you start in on me, I will close my eyes to shield myself from more of the same, because I cannot take more. Please. I cannot take more judgement. I am a public servant.

I did not vote on the tax measures. I did not feel deep down that I had a right to take other people's money from their pockets. Don't take mine, please, either. It isn't that much and I do work very very hard.

Please don't be so mean to me, on every front, because I am so lonely for kindness.

Don't forget, please. I am not fleecing you. I have no idea how to use and abuse the system. I know people who do know how, but I don't. I'm good at nothing, except this job I have. That I could do in my dreams.

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