www.Frustratedsocialite.Me

My attempts to find anyone to do anything with so far have failed. Two days ago, I asked M if she wanted to go to a movie and she said, "Let's do it." M lives in Albany with her sister. So today I call her. I got her sister. Her sister said M took her niece to the movie last night that I thought we had plans to see today.

This is the way it's always been with M, however. I need to move on and understand she is that way and won't be changing. I need to cross her off my list and keep her name crossed off.

So I try N. N has been abusive to me on many many occasions. She used to call up just to complain about the cat she adopted from me. Over and over and over, she'd do this, until I couldn't take it and would tell her to either treat the cat as I had suggested or I would be over and pick her up. then she would back off, until she would call me about something else and she would sense that I'd forgiven and forgotten. But usually, she would not be able to resist and once we'd had a few minutes of friendly conversation, she'd start in again about the cat and we'd ahve it out again. I talked to her partner about the problem. He said she was going nuts and to block her number, if need be. And so I screened my calls. But then she started leaving messages about wanting to borrow a trap, etc.

I know I should not have tried asking her to do something. But who the hell else do I have to try? I was desperate and desperation brings with it memory lapse.

She came by today and took a trap out of my yard when I wasn't here and plans to loan it out, she told me on the phone, and I don't know when I'll see it again. It's unbelievable. If I went and took something of hers and then loaned it out to someone, without telling her, she'd be calling the cops. I finally got ahold of her later to clarify what she could and could not do with that trap and when I wanted it back. She seemed clear on it after the conversation, or so I think.

But when I'd told her I was lonely and needed some fun and human contact, she lit into me about her own life, how awful it is, how she never has time even to sleep. I pointed out her many recent vacations, and she lit in again, like on a mission, to be sure I understand those trips are just to catch up on sleep and about how she can't wait until she gets out of Corvallis forever because she hates it here--the weather mainly. I tried just one last time, by saying "well if you're so stressed, maybe an hour or two of fun would....." but she cut me off in a very disturbing fashion. Same old.

Her main job is easy and pays well. Her partner says she has it too easy, too good, has too much money, so she tries to dramatize everything and don't believe anything she says. So I don't.

What I do know is I need to stay away from her. She won't change either. And there will be nothing good or fun or meaningful in time spent around her. So lose that delusion, I tell myself, and I'll be better off.

But my list of even distant acquaintances in this town is short. Most people I've known in this town are dead or long gone out of town or criminals or crazy. It's hard to even come up with the name of anybody to ask who might want to do something. Anything.

So I was looking through my list of people I've helped with cats, hoping to spot a name, someone, anyone, who might want to do something. But if you're helping someone fix a bunch of cats they haven't fixed, there's often something wrong there to begin with. Aaaaaarrrrggghhh!

In a world chock full of people, in a supposedly friendly town like Corvallis, how does one connect with anyone?

Shall I hang out at a bar and maybe meet some nice alcoholics? Maybe I should attend church, even though I'm a nonbeliever? I could just feign belief, you know, pretend, sit in the pews with a holy glaze to my eyes, and....ah fuck it. I am not good at pretending.

I guess it's just me again. Me and the cats on a Saturday night.

"It's Saturday night...and I ain't got nobody.....got some money cause I just got paid.....how I wish I had someone to talk to......I'm in an awful way.....tadatada...."