Calamity

Today, Calamity left us.  I knew she would likely leave us today.

She had been going downhill, losing weight but it did not seem to be kidney failure, like many old kitties end up with and die from.  Then she began walking on her back feet like a ballet dancer or on tip toes.  I thought she'd fallen and hurt her pelvis, but turns out her guts were full of dried poop and also with cancer.

She had done something horrible to her knee day before yesterday.  I was not here most of the day.  I don't know what happened.  All I know is when I saw her that way, night before last, she couldn't use her right rear leg.  I got her into the bathroom.  I had hoped to get some glimpse, feel her for injury or lump, but instead she was able to pull herself into a cupboard, near ground level, where she once before hid out when on a ten day medicine regime.

Today, very early, I headed to the coast clinic with her.  I had a pit of dread in my stomach.   I was a walk in appointment and walk in appointments wait, sometimes for hours.  I don't mind.  I like watching people come and go and interact with their animals.  It's lovely.

I go to this clinic not only because they are affordable in price (I cannot afford valley vets) but because they are nice to me, listen and are respectful.

They also freely admit they do their best but are not perfect.   I like that.

I had to get up about 4:00 a.m. to arrive at 8:00.  Calamity and I did not have to wait too long, maybe a couple hours.  Or so.   The vet talked to me about her problems and I gave her permission to do whatever she needed to, so she could figure it out.   This makes it easier since then she doesn't need to call each time she wants to do some test to ask if its ok.

I called just before noon and was told to call back at 1:30.  The vet had bad news.  Not only were the ligaments torn off her knee in that rear leg, but she was sure she had intestinal cancer, causing her blood cell count to be extremely off base.  And Calamity was very very thin. 

Calamity is also very very feral.   I catch glimpses of her now and then here but that's it.  She never tamed, never warmed up to humans but she had a slough of cat friends over the years she was here.  Her last greatest best friend was Jade, who died a bit over a year ago of mouth cancer.  Calamity was not the same after Jade died.   I ached to watch her pine for her.

I made the vet say, I couldn't.   I asked what she recommended and she said "euthanasia".  She won't make it, with the knee and the cancer and being old and feral and already very very thin, she said.   She was in pain from her knee injury.  I said "Go ahead."

I drove around mindlessly then, trying to find somewhere private to cry.  I needed to sob for awhile.   I finally found the corner of a beach parking lot that was empty and did just that.

Calamity and I were not close here.  She never even let me touch her.  But I loved her.

Calamity was somewhere near ten years old.  I don't know exactly.  It's not important.  Calamity's ashes will be returned to me in a small box and her box and Jade's box will sit side by side.

Jade was Calamity's best friend

There will be many more deaths here at the cat house.  The cats here are now all old. Calamity was one of the youngest, in fact.   There is no hiding from the future.  I knew this time would come but it doesn't make it any easier.