Saturday, February 18, 2017

Regain Composure

I'm resting up after last week's twists and turns.   The night spent in my car, freezing and stubborn, hoping to save the cats who would be left behind in the county park.  

Then the next week, last week, which seems so long ago now, trapping more in a Sweet Home colony, getting 8 of them fixed, housing them before and after surgery, plus others, tame and feral, along with attempts to catch more at the county park.  The clean up afterwards, in the midst of also travelling clear up to the county park trying still to save those.   Kind of did me in.

I was upset over the woman's plans, with the six cats we caught, to release them after only a week in confinement.  In a panic, I tried to change her mind, worried for them, (the alley cat allies protocol for relocation states a month, in a comfortable large cage), tried to come up with a quick large comfy cage, to house them longer, thinking that would help and it would have.  

And in the end, I could do nothing, but sit here and cry.

I'm still sitting in the dark, trying to regain my composure and perspective and optimism.

Arizona may be leaving soon, for a Portland rescue.  I am grateful to them, for considering her.  I'm still trying to find a suitable placement for Trouble.  She's not feral, but not completely tame either.

She wants to be.
Oh Arizona

Yesterday, I worked hard all day here, to keep my mind off everything else, (labor is good that way) cleaning out the garage, rearranging, and pulling out the old metal cabinet that has sat for years in the garage cat room, rusting away, piece by piece.  Today it goes to recycle.   I have someone with a large entertainment center that would replace it perfectly, in their driveway, unwanted, but need another person to help get it over here.   I haven't been able to find anyone.  Not yet.

I was up on the ladder, pulling at an old 2x4 in the loft of the garage, still trying to figure a way to build a cage for those cats up in confinement, that would be comfortable, although I had no way to get it there, if I built it here.  Suddenly, just as the 2x4 gave, from where it was caught among other boards, a cat fight struck up, with a sudden squeal, in the overhead run, a foot from my head.   With the give of the 2x4, and the sudden sound, I lost balance backwards.  There were items all around the ladder base from my work to rearrange the garage.  As I lunged backwards, towards all that stuff around me, I thought "shit".  I caught myself on my right foot, rather gloriously, stepping/jumping down from the 3rd rung, threading my foot and leg through the junk to find the solid garage floor.

Ouch!  My bad knee had trouble with that force.

Later someone asked me why I was limping, at Walmart.  I said, straight faced, "There was an incident earlier.  Involved a ladder, a cat and a 2x4."  Then I limped off down the cat food aisle.

It was after the ladder incident I gave up on the cage build.   Some things I have to let go, and hope they work out.  I'm sure that woman, who loves cats, will do what is best for them.

I had to distance myself, hope for the best.

I tried to call both brothers.  No answer.    I tried to call various friends.  No answer.  Sometimes its nice to chat with a familiar person.   Maybe its best I don't have that.  I have heard it makes you strong.

I try not to watch the news either.   But yesterday I did.  I heard that the replacement to the ACA is in the first stages but might result, through the shifts they are planning now, cutting medicaid to states, in me losing health coverage.  I try not to think about that but such thoughts push back in, like bullies.   Then I try to think about ways I could survive, make plans, cut pills in two and store them away like a squirrel for the winter, that kind of thing.

I try not to obsess about the article I read about the financial woes of our state, due to the public retirement system's unfunded billions, and how it may take raising corporate taxes, among other things, the city club of Portland, was saying, but that maybe they would give tax credits to low income Oregonians to offset the price hikes this would cause.   "What about us?" I want to yell back at them, those of us on fixed incomes.  "WHAT ABOUT US?  HOW WILL WE SURVIVE?"  Then I think its selfish of me to think that way and retreat in guilt.

Doesn't help to watch the news.  Or worry.  Off goes the TV, so those debates become, after a couple days, non existent for me.   Denial is a woman's best friend.

Old Lucy atop me in bed, Starry beside us
Will this winter never end?

Maybe I will hibernate like a spring bulb, til I sense the warmth of change.

I have my books, my warm bed and my cats.  

I can whine up the ying yang.


My world is good.


  1. You are such an inspiration. I hope you put together a book someday. It is important. 🐱❤

  2. Accident and Emergency departments here are often busy with men over 50 who have fallen from a ladder. I think this applies to women too, so do take care. You need some time out to regroup, as is said in the armed forces.

    1. Probably so, am taking some time.

  3. You are very good at expressing yourself and explaining how you feel. Regrouping is a good and very necessary thing.

  4. Your prose is always so poetic and precise. On a minor note, thank you for caring to proofread. ~grin~ Best wishes!