Birthdays, Christmas, they're hard on me. Nothing says loser in America like being alone on holidays or your birthday.
That crap sinks in with me some years. I'm the QUEEN of losers. I admit it. I embrace it. We're all losers, all fuck ups, in our own way. Think about it. Who do you remember after they die and for how long? NOBODY! So forget trying to be somebody! Embrace your nothingness. Ok, so much for lectures and self justification.
Well, it really isn't easy to be alone, have to do everything myself, figure out everything on my own, there's nothing easy about it.
Sometimes I collapse under the weight.
Yesterday I collapsed.
I could go mad with only myself as company and for conversation.
It's the way we are now, in America. However. Nobody really cares much about anybody. I have to be ok with that and able to survive that way. It's the norm. Half the people on this block live that way. Isn't it funny? When there is a crisis, we make up slogans to pretend we're all one big family. Ha, what a joke!
The ones on the block who don't live alone are Mexicans and their places are crammed to the gills with people. Are they happier? I don't know. I don't speak their language.
Yard stray Funny Face comes here a lot. I see him on the stray feeder and go out with wet food for him, since his teeth are bad. He sees me and hisses in my face, as usual! He doesn't change!
WhiteFace comes all the time too, wanting wet food, hoping for it, but he'll eat the dry too. This is him from way back (photo below), taken four years ago. He only comes in the dark so I just have the old photo.
Zeva spends her days mostly in my backyard or in dead Jack's backyard, under the bushes, or stalking my cats. She likes to play with them through the windows in the cat yard. She technically has the home a block away.
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| Zeva, on the right, visits Mooki |
Same home as owns Simba, whom I also got fixed, like I got fixed Zeva, Funny Face and White Face. Simba comes running when he sees me, and wants in my garage, so I let him in.
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| Simba |
Of all the dozens of cats I've gotten fixed, from my yard, all those brown tabbies and gray tabbies and Siamese and buff orange and blacks and black tuxes, only these four still come back for treats or kind words, or medical care when its needed.
Good. I couldn't deal with fifty some yard strays! That's how many I've gotten fixed from my yard. Over 50!
Now there's another unfixed male roaming through, making my cats nuts and causing them to start with the marking. The Himilayan. I'd love to sue people who allow unfixed free roamers. Those boys often never make it home. They're often killed on the road. They often end up fighting and getting FIV, then spreading it to other cats. But people don't care, and let their cats free roam. Because it's the easy thing to do.
Ignorance should not reproduce.
Yup, that's it. My nugget of wisdom for the week.
You might be expecting too much here.
I have been lonelier in a crowd than I am on my own. You are right though. Sometimes it is very, very hard.
ReplyDeleteLoved (as always) the cat photos. How lucky they are to have found you.
I'm just wanting to find a few good friends, with whom I can chat and do things with now and then.
ReplyDeleteThere are people in my life who would love to talk at me for hours, rambling on so badly I quickly tune out. That's not what I'm looking for. That's not friendship. And the crowds, that's true, a very good place to be alone---within a crowd.
Ignore-ance. Breaking the first part of the word out give a much clearer meaning and doesn't match not knowing.
ReplyDeleteI would venture that the Mexicans are quite happy with their slightly chaotic lives.
Hope you are ok now.
ReplyDeleteI expect the Mexicans do a lot of chatter, probably verbal conflict.
Sometimes I am told people can be lonely in a crowd of people.
The cats are all beautiful and look so well. They're a credit to your care. If only more people cared as much.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right, Andrew. Thank you River, I try to care for the kitties who cross my path as best I can, give them a break, I love doing that.
ReplyDeleteWhiteangel, yes, am ok now. Seems to also have been the early kick in of allergy season. Our spring began in February, first with very warm pineapple express monsoon rain, then the warmest weather ever recorded here for February, which is usually the coldest month of winter. So the trees and grasses are shedding pollen early, hitting some of us with exhaustion and itchiness. Allergies cause me exhaustion. I've had to start the anti histamines I usually don't begin til May.
ReplyDelete