Mad at Myself

Heartland called, said they had a cat, brought in a live trap, from N. Albany, who wasn't adjusting, was climbing the walls, that they might have to euthanize him if they can't find him some place to go. They have drastically reduced euthanasia rates there. Good for them.

I am thinking it is a feral when I go over. I agree to hold him here.

But he's not a feral. He is a strong willed super active boy with behavioral issues, the type that will keep him from getting a home, unless they can be solved. He bites you if he doesn't get his way, or scratches. He has behavior typical of growing up with young kids who are not well supervised who play with a cat very roughly and wrestle with a kitten with their own hand or arm. As a kitten becomes a teen and adult, this behavior is intolerable.

I am mad at myself for taking him. It's just another cat here, another cat who will never get a home.

I have had only three adoptions of tame cats since January. This is dismal! Those cats were Black Pearl, Crusty and the homeless camp tame teen female. I placed the three ferals from the homeless camp, too. In almost six months, six adoptions. That's terrible!

I still have no volunteers or anyone to help out at all. I have nobody local who donates anything routinely. That means I have to buy all the cat food, litter, gas, Advantage, wormer, vaccines---everything out of my $650 per month, plus pay my own bills, and now, try to get my car fixed back to working order. It's making an engine knocking noise at idle now, too. And I have to take it back to Brake Team to fix the grinding noise on the right rear.

Most of the cats here have turned anti social to outsiders. They'll never find homes. The only people who have contacted me interested in adopting lately want barn cats or free cats because their cat died some god awful death at a young age, run over, eaten alive, something, and a son/daughter is so devastated they want a replacement right now, for free, but are not planning to change any habits that got the last poor kitty killed quickly.

I get people turned down by other rescues and shelters for various legitimate reasons or people who want everything free. Or people who just want outside cats.

I have had only three adoption inquiries in the last two months, and two of those three wanted barn cats.

Dismal statistics. I'm a ghost. And so are the cats here.

I only took the cat today because it was a feral, or so I thought, and going to be destroyed. I took him also, because of my personality weaknesses---my need to please and my desire for even a couple of minutes of human contact.

I need to shield myself from those who know my weaknesses.

What would I like? I'd like to find suitable homes for 20 of the cats here in the next three months. It's my goal. I have no life, no money, am in debt now, due to car problems and a host of cat illnesses. I still want to find a way out of Linn County. I feel so trapped here, so surrounded by concrete with nowhere close to escape for recreation.

I feel a panic now too, because my car has too many miles on it. I know the engine will fail and require some massive expenditure I can't afford. Then what? Then what will I do, trapped here, in this concrete town, without a way to get what I need to live, or go anywhere, and no hope of recreation again? Makes me have nightmares to think of it.

I lived a good share of my life without a car, but that was in Corvallis, and during a time of my life that I don't even like to remember, drugged up on a dozen psyche drugs. I sure had no hope then. Things changed for me. And maybe things will change again for me. I remain hopeful!

I could get offered a job cat trapping again somewhere. It might happen. And maybe room and board will come with the job. Stranger things have occurred!

I could suddenly get an onslaught of really wonderful adoptors contacting me who want to adopt a couple cats here even though they might be initially shy. It could happen! Don't say it couldn't, or I just might take to the bottle and close the shutters for good.