Friday, September 04, 2009


Tonight I lay in bed, my body shaking in sobs. The loss of Sashi triggered my sadness. And my loneliness. I loved her. She lived on a soggy trailer porch south of Shedd. A man fed her that didn't seem to care about anything. I remember when I stepped on a nail, hidden in the grass and junk shrouding his living space. With blood dripping from my pierced foot, I appealed to this man, whom I was helping, for help. He wouldn't even look or come over. Despite the injury, or maybe because of it, and his reaction, which was blank, I took those doomed kittens from his porch, and nurtured them, as I would have wanted to be nurtured.

Sashi. Missing. It tortures my soul.

I miss the forest. Living alone in a concrete jungle as I now do is just contrary to every breath I take. I want to move back into the forest.

That woman who lives a few blocks from here, ready to become homeless rather than live in such a way, she's got the right idea. She's dying inside. I am, too. When you're dying, you struggle to live and to live you do what you have to do, even if it's radical change.

There are many absurdities one must ignore to continue to live. One of them is religion. I grew up in a cult like church and never saw much of the outside world until I transferred from the cult church college to OSU.

That was culture shock.

My young life was full of contradictions. On the one hand, my parents carted me off to church every Saturday, where they promptly fell asleep, as the sermon, all about love or this or that, hummed in the background of free floating thoughts and disinterested mandatory pretending. My father, every night, starting when I was a preteen, backed me into a corner of the kitchen, often in the presence of my brothers and mother, trapped me between his arms, and began his flirting which soon would escalate into kissing and fondling. Every fricking night.

He put mother down every night too, and was only happy when he made her cry hard enough that she would run to the bathroom and slam the door to escape it. Then he'd sit at the table and make snide remarks and laugh. It churned my stomach as a child, so badly that I was taken to the doctor over and over, who said I was constipated or had this or that stomach disorder. My father also enjoyed walking in on me, when I was trying to use the bathroom. We had two bathrooms in the house, joined by a sliding door that would not lock. This arrangement was not a good one for me.

My brothers supported Mr. Molester to his end. This creates awkwardness between myself and my brothers, as would be normal.

I was recruited into the mental health system, labeled faulty, while the culprit lived scott free the rest of his days while his family supported him and the labels, with consequences, I received, for damage done to me by him.

This is a difficult situation for me to this day. Mr. Molester died three years ago. I certainly do not miss him at all.

The absurdities of religion are many. Catholics ignore that most of church history involved violence and enjoy, in their current dogma, exclusion of fact, to suit a certain course. Mormons, well their religion is just nuts completely, in my opinion. It's much like Islam. I call it American Islam, in fact, privately. There are many prominent Mormons in this region, including judges, so my hilarity at Mormon beliefs I keep mostly private. People can believe what they want. But that doesn't stop me from giggling over the absurdness of it all.

Christians love guns, I've discovered, and war. Muslims apparently do also. Jesus wouldn't own guns or engage in war. It's so conflicting, what Christians preach and what they actually do. It's stupid if you think about it. So is the pro-life beliefs espoused from pulpits and bumper stickers, but rarely truly lived. Most people I know who claim to be pro life adore guns and war and are often the most disdainful of keeping a clean planet or of treating animals humanely. They are the first to rail against taxes used for social programs that support the live babies born to teen moms or low income women, that otherwise might not have been born, if an abortion had been done. In other words, they are pro life in word only. Being really pro life would mean paying for the consequences of the belief, with money, love and labor. What hypocrisy, my goodness. Absurdity.

Then there are the liberals who love social programs that are run like Nazi concentration camps, as I experienced, in the mental health system. Abuse galore. Forced drugging. Corruption. The liberals rail against such abuses of power and human rights violations but only if they occur in foreign nations or against people who have done horrible horrible things. So they too and their fake love for human rights make me giggle uncontrollably.

And the mental system itself is just a big fat propaganda machine to make money for the drug companies. There's no common sense to it, no kindness, no mental or physical health to it. Another absurdity one must ignore and avoid to live.

I believe in God. Sort of. More in an odd science way. We have no idea what is going on in this universe or beyond, is my feeling. My belief in God sees God as more of a pet owner, and humans are the pets. It makes more sense I think than the glowy eyed gun wielding kill your enemy save fetuses hate homosexuals breed til you drop religions of today.

I believe there are likely many dimensions we don't know exist right alongside us and that what religions call God is just in another dimension. Religion hates science and they hate magic, railing against books like Harry Potter. This is absurd to me also. If God isn't a scientific phenomenon, then the entity is paranormal. Most religion poo hoos both science and the paranormal. Absurd!

I see humans as just another animal on the planet. I see no form to most animals, when I know them, only a glow of light, in a way, like eyes to eyes. We are, after all, composed of light, various densities, and to me the distinction, the edges are blurred. I see the glow of life and soul.

So it is difficult for me, when these heathens, as I refer to them in my mind, butcher and kill the light, with such disregard, while, on the other hand, speaking as if they know God. I think to myself "How can you say such a thing when you are killing the light?" But I don't think people see life the way I do, as dancing atoms, condensing in various forms.

Sashi is light with a certain form. Some see the form and its uses. Some see the dancing shimmering light. I am among the latter.

Darkening of light to me is crushing. I want there to be more light, not less.

The city contains very little light because it's been replaced with matter. I can't say how what I call matter differs, because everything is light but I see no dancing or blurring edges or light in things like concrete. Maybe its because the reformed substances are composed of conflicting particles and so they die. I don't know.

I am trying to show why I can't seem to make it in a concrete city. It's too dark and dead!

I see our existence as thin and frail. Sometimes I zoom in my mind way into space and look back onto the earth. We are just ants in colonies, eating and gobbling away, fighting, bickering, marching in the same lines, one behind the other, breeding and destroying our habitat, like cockroaches, like any insect or animal.

We think we are more important primarily because we're bigger than an ant. The dinosaurs would have considered us ants. Size is relative completely to the one considering.

Maybe this planet, even the universe is a tiny part of one small science experiment in one lab of a much bigger species in a much much larger universe or space of some sort.

I see the tiny thin crust of the earth and the mountains shoving through like pimples, as they were once, boiling through and bursting out from beneath. I know how fragile our existence is, how thin the layers we live on and the atmosphere, of chemicals we breath.

Our arrogance in the face of our puny existence is the most absurd notion of all.

My own problems are nothing to the universe, not worthy of any consideration. They are only important to me in my struggle to maintain my edges and not dissipate. I am trying to stay coalesced in other words, and this is important only to me.

It helps me to think of things this way, because it diminishes my concerns and angst and sorrows to see a much much bigger picture, and me as of no consequence in this big picture. It frees me to live.

1 comment :

  1. I had to print out this post so that i could refer to it. Your view of the world and its absurdities make total sense to me.
    I don't know what to say other than hank you for this poignant, yet heartbreaking post.
    Thinking of you and sending many purrs from KY,