Tires

I've got to get some. After tonight's near disaster with my constant deflator, I know. Since Costco is out now, I need to figure out the where. This time, I don't think I'll get them at a wrecking yard. I don't know what tires cost these days, since I usually do get my tires at a wrecking yard, but the hourglass has run out on options. I'm not sure I'll get to Jefferson with the two cats in the morning. I have the donut. Kind of hard to get to, due to the board I have in the back so I can use the car like a truck. I think I'll get the donut out and handy preemptively in the morning, just in case, before leaving for the clinic. And then I'll have to hunt for a deal on tires.

I've got to find something to do with my time. I've run out of known colonies to trap and to be honest, the rash of neglected cats and abuse I've taken from people has me unenthusiastic about aggressively searching out new colonies. I'm worn down, mentally, burned out.

When I was over trapping the last two at the 34th street colony, the colony caretaker was drinking again. I've seen her only at night, when I trap, and always the drinking. Some people drink every night. She's one of them. I guess that's not so abnormal. Not around here.

By the second 16 oz'er she's loose. She told me she cut off the heads of some kittens with an ax, right out there on her back porch area. She said they were just born, or something like that, and the mother was dropping them as she ran and they wouldn't have lived anyway, so she got her nice sharp ax out of the car and chopped off the kittens heads. She said she was just preventing them from suffering.

What really happened, was she startled a feral mother giving birth, is what it sounds like. If this was the case, she should have just gone back inside and let the mother alone. Instead, she decided to end their lives by cutting off their heads. She claimed one was more lively so she gave it to a friend to bottle feed, but the kitten died.

That's kind of played on my mind since she told me that. Then, drunk like she was, she told me she doesn't believe like I do, that nothing should die, not even badly suffering animals. I told her I never said such a thing. Talking to someone drunk isn't like talking at all, however. You may as well talk to yourself. Or to a brick.

My heart and soul were sinking with every word out of her mouth. It was like weights being added to my shoulders the longer I listened to her. So I just tuned her out completely. I don't know if she was joking about the ax and beheading the kittens or not.

I've tried not to think about that, how she carries that ax in her car in case she encounters a suffering animal, she said. I don't think that's normal.

I had a very bad feeling from that street up in Lebanon, that I returned to this evening, and should have gone with my instincts and never returned. Arguing over the fairness of behavior or right or wrong treatment of someone helping them out, with people like that over there tonight, is like trying to reason with a drunk. It's a useless waste of time.

I suppose I engaged in arguing with that young adult because it is wrong for them to behave that way and for gosh sakes, I wish someone would be nice to me.

I'm so lonely. Every day, every week, every month that goes by with almost no human contact makes me less capable of human contact.

I've been looking for another volunteer outlet, one where I'd be around people, but be doing a task so my volunteer work would not be directly serving people. I've had a little too much of that lately. I want to have at least something to do where I don't have to slobber, kiss feet, as is common when trying to help get cats fixed, with people like those Lebanon people.

I can't actually find much available out there. Many volunteer things you work alone, or work directly to serve people, or there is lifting involved. I want some camaraderie, as an equal, something like that. I'm still looking.

I'm going to cancel appointments for the rest of the month. Right now, I'm totally useless at getting cats in. I've lost my spark for doing it. I need a break and to figure out how to climb out of the pit I've dropped into since moving to Albany, OR. I'm not meshing here and I need to get out, if I can't, or I'm just going to whither into nothing.