Sunday, June 06, 2010


I drove up today, for the brunch prior to my niece's graduation. I called and told them yesterday I was coming just for that, but it was brief conversation. I got no calls regarding the weekend's plans and events. I know my older brother was busy and my younger brother and his family were up there staying for the weekend.

I walked in almost an hour after I had planned to arrive. That's because the freeway was a mess. Torrential rains had poured down on the drive up. Even in the Terwilliger curves, on I5, which are steep, south bound vehicles hit spots of water that sprayed up and over a six foot barrier fence, hitting north bound cars. It was bad out there!

They had already eaten, but were still nibbling. I did not even recognize my younger brother's older daughter. That was embarrassing. She's an attorney now, in Arizona. I blurted out an excuse for not recognizing her immediately, "I've only met you about three times in my life." I think I got eye rolls at this. It is an old person type of line. But I think it's fairly accurate.

I might have met her five times. I don't know. Not many times.

I also resorted to lies when friends of my brothers' families would ask who I was. To one woman, I finally said, "Oh, I'm not related. I just wandered in for the food." Hahahaha.

Haunted still by Gaki's death yesterday, I suppose I wanted to feel some sort of bond or support or something. My eyes wanted to cry but I held it back. It is hard to lose kitty friends.

I don't have anything in common with the people there. Many travel extensively, in the U.S. and even outside it. They have work connections and friends and talked about buying different shoe brands and clothes. I stared at these faces blankly. I had nothing of interest to them to talk about and the things they engaged talking about to one another were foreign to me.

I left quickly since they were all leaving to go get changed to go to the graduation.

The graduation was at the Adventist school right next to the Adventist hospital where I was beaten savagely by Adventists then released into a snow and ice storm, 12 degrees out, no shoes coat or transportation. I never got so much as an apology out of the Adventists. It hurts me still to think there was no real reaction from my family over this attack on me by an institution run by the religion we all grew up in and that they still hold dear. This signaled to me, no matter how much I try not to think it, that I am worth nothing to them.

They have their lives and their histories and I have mine. Adventists nearly killed me. I hate Adventist institutions. Why in the world wouldn't I?

I did want to cry driving home in the endless Oregon rain but I finally brushed off my sadness and lonliness. I have to realize this is the way it is and accept it and try to find human connection and love elsewhere.

My brothers have raised great kids. They're smart and probably will be very successful in life. I hope so. I hope my brothers and their wives can see what a great thing they've done with their kids. Hasn't been easy.

I won't be taking cats in for awhile. That is because I am out of Advantage and currently in debt. I need to lay low, pick up cans, whatever I have to, to get back on track with things. I wanted to finish the east Lebanon colony. There were two left. Maybe I can get another group to do it. Or find somewhere local to get them done.

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