The Shaft

No good deed ever goes unpunished. Cat Adoption had left a message that they would take in some of the cats here. I'd originally only called when trying to find a placement for the one leukemia positive kitten. They left a message yesterday stating they could take in a few adults and would like to help but I would have to donate.

They take in cats from other people and rescues in this area, even from a friend of mine doing limited rescue in Coos Bay. I wonder if they treat them like they just did me.

I didn't know, but for them to take in cats from me, I would need to be lectured and come up with a shitload of money.

CAT just called again, to offer to take in a few cats to adopt out there, but the woman gave me a lecture in the first phone call. She told me I have too many cats and that I need to just look away if I see cats in need, and wanted money from me to turn over the cats. She chastised me for helping cats if I can't take care of them or adopt them out myself. I told her a friend in Portland was going to donate a hundred dollars on behalf of these cats and I asked if that would be enough. She said they'd like a thousand, but she might have been joking.

I didn't say a word back, but I wanted to. I wanted to say you don't treat other people this way I bet, people you think are important, big shelters, veterinarians. To be treated like some collector with way too many cats! I bit my lip and didn't say a word. She said she'd try to get some in. She had all the power.

She called back to say any cat they took in would have to have all the paperwork from the vets and current snap tests on every cat, within 30 days. I cannot afford to get a new vet check on each cat and a new snap test done on the cats who were to go. So I knew they were going to make it very hard and very expensive and I knew by now I would not be able to do this financially. She wanted me to swear none have herpes or anything else. They don't, that I know of.

I told her I was already thinking anyway of not bringing the cats up and I told her why. Because of what she said to me. I'm tired and didn't know how to say that right, I know, but for gosh sakes, telling me that in the first phone call, laying into me. She said she didn't call me a collector. I said that she didn't. I repeated back to her what she had said, which was about the same. I told her I know they take in cats from other shelters, animal clinics and rescuers routinely. I thought this was a big shelter trying to help a small rescue.

Then she asked if this is why I don't work with Salem Friends of Felines. I didn't know what she meant by that statement at all. I don't work with Salem Friends of Felines, because I live in Albany. Seems sort of obvious. I don't know the Salem Friends of Felines folks at all, although I know one person who sometimes donates to them and knows some of them. She is the one who told me they are overwhelmed in cats currently, like everybody. I didn't know how to react. I'm worn out, been fighting this computer, so I stuttered around and finally said, "Thank you very much. Goodbye." I didn't know what else to say.

Boy. I don't know why that woman felt she had to lecture me and put me down? Maybe she's having a bad day or something. I let her get away with it in the first phone call, but there's only so much crap I can take. You can never be good enough for some people. But I'm tired of being a punching bag. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.

Maybe it's just all about cats. Way too many. Every shelter overflowing. This creates immense pressure on those trying to help them. And creates financial issues. Especially for big shelters with high overhead. And pressure doesn't often translate out well.

In thinking about all this, I realize I've tried to pretend I'm someone I'm not. I've wanted to be accepted as someone with knowledge in the cat world. To do this, I"ve had to try to pretend I'm not who I am. I am most comfortable among the losers of society, those put down driven in souls who are never good enough for everybody else. So I've tried to make a seperation between who I was and who I want to be, a somebody. And I'm not anybody. If you think about it hard enough, none of are anybodies.

But I am most comfortable in my place, among the homeless, or the evicted, or the unemployed, the losers. I am a loser. I love being a loser. I like the losers. I'm not anybody and that is just fine. The cats love me. And hey CAT Adoption, I will not drive around a starving kitten dumped along the road. If that makes me an irresponsible collector, OK, that's what I am, I'll take that label and chuck it in a file with all the rest.

Oh well. Everybody struggles and I know it. I've tried to deny my roots, to step up in this world, to pretend I'm better than the losers, when I am one. I intend to embrace my loser heritage and find a way to be comfortable with it.