Almost Human!

I'm back online. The last two days, I became obsessed with fixing my computers insanity. My brother got me high speed internet. As a birthday present, he offered cable or internet. I at first chose cable then requested he change it to high speed internet. I can watch cable shows online with high speed, if I want to watch them, I figured.

Anyhow, with the internet was supposed to come a free security package. I have tried and tried over a couple of months, to enroll, but I never get the confirmation e-mail.

Well, out of the blue, yesterday, it arrives. I thought the heavens had opened and God himself had zapped that e-mail into my inbox. Woohoo!

So I try to download the coveted package.

I'm no geek. I try to feign geeklike knowledge, but actually have none.

So, yesterday, when attempting the download, the site makes me go through all sorts of hoops, like upgrading Windows updates, and removing my free firewall program, which I thought I did. But after that, no web connection. I could maybe get two minutes, before no more web movement would be allowed.

Since then, I have spent countless hours on the phone with my service provider. Countless frustrating hours. Once, I was put on hold by a service provider support tech for a lengthy period. I was listening to the hold music and then suddenly the music died. And I got disconnected. I wanted to smash the phone or some, any high tech device at that point.

OK. I wanted to kill my computer. I wanted its death to be terribly violent. Just tossing the tower into the garbage wasn't good enough. I wanted to drag it behind a pickup or attach that tower to the end of a big chain. Then I would swing that chain with the computer on the end, around and around, gaining momentum, and then let it fly, flinging it into one of my internet providers' service trucks. I could visialize this act. But visualizing this just made me start giggling in delight. My anger faded. I went off and trapped some cats over on highway 20 outside Corvallis.

I came home and gave the whole thing another shot.

This time, I got yet a different support tech at the service provider. He wasn't really very fluffy, but he told me he couldn't get through to my modem, that something was blocking. I said "Well it's not a firewall because I had to remove that. Your free download program demanded I do so," I added with huff and puff.

"Well, I don't think it's off your computer," he said, "because I can't get through." I quickly went to add/remove programs. Sure enough, unbelievably, there it was.

I sputtered "Why is this on here? I removed it yesterday. The popup box on the uninstall wizard said "Uninstall successful. Your computer will need to restart to reflect these changes."

Service provider techie said "Sometimes they don't unstall properly because they don't want removed." I uninstalled from a different angle, from my program files. Then I said "How could this make a difference? I've had this free firewall on here forever and never had any problems with it. Yesterday was when everything changed and that's when I removed it."

He said firewall's can prevent web browsing if the security levels are set too high. So, I'm thinking this is scarey stuff. First of all, when I tried to remove it, the program said it was removed. Yet it wasn't. And, because that program felt someone was trying to kick it out or kill it, that program reacted like a human---defensively, and upped security levels on its own, setting them so high it could have killed its own host and purpose for living. How stupid and scccaaaarreeeeeyyyy! That firewall was alive!

Not anymore! Hahahahaha. Gone. History. (probably lurking on my hard drive looking for a way to resurrect!)

So then I called the download company and got Victor in the Philippines. At first, I was kind of the bad customer, but he was really nice. Yes, I tried to get the free package again, after getting connected again, and again they stated I would be sent the confirmation e-mail, and again, I didn't get it. I told Victor all this and said I suspected the CEO's of my service provider and of the free package security company are in cahoots. That's right--cahoots. The service provider gets more customers with the free security offer and they never actually provide it, while the security software company CEO gets kickbacks from the service provider for every customer signing on because of the free security package. What a deal.

Then I told Victor, "I know you can't say a thing because our phone conversation is being recorded for training purposes." Victor giggled. I like guys who giggle. We were instant friends. Well, not really. I did tell him if I could hug him for fixing everything, which he did, very professionally, over about 15 minutes, I would.

He said the confirmation e-mails were not getting to the service providers customers due to a machine error. Yeah right. I said "I know. You have to say that. I'm supposed to believe it." He giggled again. Then he said "I'm going to manuelly activate your account then walk you through the download to make sure you get it and don't have to wait for the (giggles) confirmation e-mail. I LOVE VICTOR FROM THE PHILIPPINES! I love him. I do.

I'm web connected again and fully protected. My computer is wearing a condom thanks to Victor from the Philippines.

Now I"m going to bed. I am once again at peace with this beeping blinking world. At least for now. Tomorrow, I don't know what gadget I might destroy.