Crappy Holidays, by me
Merry, Merry, merry Christmas
I hope you don't have a long wish list
Because Santa wouldn't feed his elves.
Not even top ramen on the shelves.
Santa should have had a premonition
Because those hungry elves knew where he kept his ammunition
They tipped their hats and drank a beer
Then they slaughtered all the reindeer
They built a fire, sang "Jingle Bells"
No more messy reindeer; no more hungry elves.
But Santa, he was real pissed
He took a shot at one and missed.
Hit Mrs. Claus smack in the heart.
Old St. Nick ain't very smart.
He hid the body 'neath the sleigh
set it afire, and ran away.
Now, he's shaved his beard and dyed his hair
And is driving cab down near BelAir.
Well, Christmas past may have been pleasant
But this year, you'll have to buy your own damn presents!
the forensic experts worked in their labs
It seems some evidence had disappeared
This was attributed to the one surviving reindeer
Rudolf, always Santa's fav,
when questioned lapsed into convenient moments of memory fade.
What he did recount was lots of shooting,
reindeer dying and drunken elves looting.
It was an elf who was in custody.
It seems that Santa would go scott free.
But, Santa, while driving some green haired punk
got himself pulled over, for driving drunk.
He lost his job, became a bum,
and ended up on the streets hanging out with others considered skum.
But one night he saw visions of dancing sugar plums
and concluded it might be time he got off the rum.
--padded fat and red, at Walmart, in a shaggy polyester white wig
He was Santa again, dishing out sap
and telling lies to the kiddies while they screamed on his lap.
But he longed for the sleigh and the thrill of the ride
The shopping mall bullshit was too much to abide!
hoping to restore his shot off nose
"We can give you a new nose," they said
"but we can't give you one that glows."
So Rudolf made a sacrifice, one he cannot recant
and slipped one fateful moonless night into an unguarded Russian nuclear plant.
He slurped down a concoction of vodka and uranium
then headed south through the black starry sky
stopping only to nibble geraniums.
He streaked across the hemisphere. His whole body was aglow
There were thousands of reports that night of a reindeer shaped UFO.
He found a dejected Santa, hitchhiking on the outskirts of Belair.
Rudolf landed right beside him, which gave Santa quite a scare.
"Hop on my back, you drunken bum! We've got work to do.
Christmas is almost here again. No more crappy holidays for you!"
But alas, there were no presents delivered to anyone on Christmas Eve night
We could attribute this to trauma or Santa feeling glum
But in all likelihood, some idiot at the the first house visited,
instead of cookies, left Santa a bottle of rum.