Can't Do This Anymore

I can't live here anymore. I have been trying to find another place. It was a mistake to rent from family. I feel like such a burden when there are repairs needing done. My brother has no work. I don't feel right bugging him, like with these electrical problems. I don't know what to do anymore.

The only thing I can do is get out of here. That still leaves him a house, with some issues. My older brother claims that to sell the house, not that it would be possible in this day and age, the place would require over 10k in work, to make it marketable. I'm not sure if he talked to my younger brother to come up with that or what.

I suppose he might mean the roof, which is over its useful span, the paint, which is peeling in a handful of places, siding that is split, swollen or falling off in a very few places, then the electrical and water under the house issue. I don't know. Those are basic minor house upkeep things. Reroofing is very expensive, however, I know.

But the electrical off and on stuff kind of worries me, but I am going to try just replacing the circuit breakers, all of them. This house is 40 years old. They're old.

Right now, I'm broke so it isn't going to happen real soon. My microwave quit. It had rusted out and probably was unsafe anyhow.

The place is old. Like me. There are shelves whose supports were screwed merely into drywall, not studs, now sagging and falling off. A couple of the windows leak at the bottom, sealant failure I guess, I really don't know. I've sealed I think those leaks with caulk but its unsightly, if someone was really looking, like a buyer.

It's more house than I can afford to live in. And I can't afford repairs or to replace appliances. Still paying off the frig. When I think of power rates going up 10% and sewer rates by 7% real soon here, I can't do it. It was a nice idea. My brother wanted to help. It was bought with what was supposed to be my share of my parents estate, but it won't work on my income and never really has.

I've lived here 3 years, ever since the evil Corvallis slumlord evicted me from that shack at Christmas, when the gas furnace failed, although it had been failing when I moved in. That was some trip, that crap house. I can't even believe it to think about it now. The front door didn't lock and wouldn't even close because it wasn't square when I moved in. I had to fix everything before I moved in. The landlady came over once, when I was working on it, and urged me to hurry up and get it repaired so HUD could approve it and I could move in. You see, then she'd get a rent check and a HUD check. She was something else, but I had no choices then either. Gray water was dumped into the yard. Oh my gosh, it was unbelievable.

I remember when I smelled the gas leak. I hadn't move in yet and went over to her place to tell her. She chided me, said I should be calling the gas company to fix it. I said "I don't even live there yet. And there's no phone hooked up in there to call the gas company."

"Then drive to a friends house and call and don't bother me about it." That's what she said. I should have moved into a homeless camp at that point. People would have been nicer.

The stand alone furnace caused RF interference running through the electric lines in the house whenever its fan turned on. This caused snow on the TV every few seconds, from the RF interference. This, I was told by an electrician I called, was due to the motor failing. He advised replacement of the furnace then. I told the landlady this, who told me I was crazy, and that I was a severely problematic tenant. She told me that a lot.

The fan in the furnace was off and on constantly because there was no insulation in the place. Average temp in the bedroom in winter: 42 degrees. No heat in the bathroom, which was peppered in mold. Anyhow, I fixed tons of things there myself, learned a lot of repairs, place had to be rewired when it nearly caught fire, which is why I fear electrical problems, big time.

My younger brother, who shouldered the burden as my landlord here, is having his own troubles finding work. I don't want more stress on him, when things fail here. He's not real communicative so I don't know much about his life or work. I don't know my brothers well at all, to be honest. I never see them and have not been part of their lives since childhood.

All I know is its awkward to say anything about any problems here, because he's family and because I know about the economy affecting his business. But I am unable to fix a lot of things myself or afford to. So much easier in some ways to live in a crumbling shack, if you have no money. I thought about those crumbling blackened trailers over there, where I returned a cat today. I belong somewhere like that, on my income. You can't fix those cause they're too far gone, so you don't have to think about trying.

I feel old myself, like nothing works anymore. Tonight I'm supposed to be prepping for a gut test and yukko, drinking a gallon of salty fluid. I want to vomit right now, probably won't sleep tonight due to frequent needed bathroom trips. I'm just feeling really old and kind of helpless in a way, to master my destiny, housing wise.

I feel I should be able to think of a solution, but I'm not coming up with anything. I have all these cats and I must find most of them homes. But how, in this economy, how? I've got to think of something.