Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Jody the Cat Trapper for Governor

I would like to announce I am running for Governor of the State of Oregon.

Why would I like to become governor? Because I'm bored. Because I need a venue to exert power and punishment. And I'm bored, really bored. Did I mention that? I need a job. And I want to see myself on billboards paired with catchy phrases. And I want to snag a really hot guy and great car. That's it, and that's good enough, gosh darn it.

I also really love perks. I adore them.

I am highly qualified to become governor because:

Number one: I am alive.
Number two: I was born in Oregon.
Number three: Two reasons are plenty.

My platform: Nobody gets what they want. Nobody. Nada. Want to tell me what you need? I don't want to hear it. Go home. Watch TV. Get some extra rest. Don't bother me. I have a campaign to run.

I already know what you need. You need to fix your pets. Then all world problems will fall into line and solve themselves. That's right.

My education platform: If your kids don't do well in school, I'll get you fixed. If they still don't do well, I'll make sure they get fixed. We don't want that reproducing. Problem solved.

Bad cops? Neuter them. Bad CEO's? Neuter them. Bad people in general/criminals? Neuter them all. Problem solved.

Jobs: Oh for gosh, sakes, go find one. The Circle K is hiring. So is my spay neuter clinic.

Health Care: I would never euthanize granny. But I would sterilize her.

Global Warming: Already solved via population reduction through spay neuter of parents and kids who fail at school/criminals/"volunteers". Fewer people, more for everyone, less CO2 in the air. Problem solved.

I am Pro-Life. I am SO pro-life that I vow, once governor of Oregon, to make death illegal. If you die for any reason, I will slap you with a felony charge and your dead ass will rot in jail.

So vote for me, the "Don't bother Me with your Petty Problems" candidate.

I have solutions. I will produce change you can count on, because we'll use force, if necessary, to enact change and you can count on that.

How do I compare with Sarah Palin? She's fatter! And older. And uglier. I don't shoot moose either, from half a mile away, like she does, so proudly. I wrestle moose, then we shake hands afterwards. Often, we end up next to each other at some sleazy bar, too, after we wrestle. Moose tell good jokes and are very wise in many ways.

Jody the Cat Trapper for Governor of Oregon.

I thought of my first campaign slogan: Jody the Cat Trapper: Solving State Problems Through Surgical Procedures!

Jody says her campaign for governor is a comfortable fit following her highly touted campaign for world peace. Her peace organization, which looks a lot like a spay neuter clinic, claims war is a territorial hormonal issue. "Give peace a chance," Jody says, grinning and flashing a peace sign, "Neuter Everyone!"

6 comments :

  1. I love it. :) It could be entertaining, too.

    Did you ever see the episode of The Simpsons where their Crazy Cat Lady ran for mayor? I liked her. :)

    You could probably get on TV with this - you just have to do something first to show you're "serious" ...like send out a press release announcing that you are forming an "Exploratory Committee" or something. :)

    I've always advocated a half platform, personally: Half the number of laws, half the number of cops and half the sentences for everything else. It solves all problems.

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  2. Half the number of laws. I love that. Fewer laws mean people have to actually think and take responsibility for themselves and work together. I would never lower sentences for any sex crime, however. I'd increase them, in fact. Violent rape would be a mandatory life sentence. So would child rape. However, the standard for conviction would be heavier. Eye witness testimony is flawed. That has been proven over and over.

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  3. In one city in Europe all traffic signs were removed, so people had to take responsibility for their own safety in transversing streets. I don't know how that would work in a city like I live in, where disrespect for others when driving seems like the norm and where drunk driving is so common. I don't think this would work with selfish speed demons either, who will traverse highways and streets at extreme speed, regardless of the danger they inflict on others, without regard for life. That is so common a mentality in drivers in the US, I just don't know what would work here.

    I would legalize drugs, but criminal behavior associated with drug use would receive severe penalty. I think people should be able to do what they want in their home, to their own bodies. If it affects innocent lives, like kids, animals or the elderly, then their personal choices have become criminal behavior. If they get into a car impaired and drive, they must then face the consequences. I feel the consequences for drunk driving do not fit the severity of the offense. They are, impaired, getting behind the wheel of a weapon of mass destruction. That is unacceptable.

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  4. Laws are to control behavior. They come about because a problem arises usually with a small number of people abusing a freedom. If others put peer pressure on those abusing a particular freedom, severe pressure, to stop it, so many laws would never have come into existence. Cowardly behavior and irresponsible behavior produces laws, not only by the perpetrators but also by the stand by and do nothing types. There are sure plenty of those latter types.

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  5. I think there are so many laws that you could get rid of half of them and nobody would notice.

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  6. And not just laws, administrative rules, regulations.

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