Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tomorrow is my Birthday

I hadn't kept track of the date. I thought today was my birthday but it's tomorrow. I don't have any plans except to take cats to the clinic, if I catch them tonight, and pick them up in the evening.

I suppose everyone wants to feel special on one day. Maybe not. I wish I could spend time with my family, but that isn't going to happen. I haven't heard from one brother for ages. They're too busy with their jobs and their families and I understand that, but boy it sure gets lonely. I just wish so much I had a family of my own.

Getting sucked into the mental health system at a young age made that an impossibility. Unless I had wanted to be one of the unwed single welfare moms out there, and that I would never do. I always had low self esteem as a result of my childhood and my father's behavior, so I stayed mostly away from men. For a long long time, I could not even kiss a man because I would see and even smell my father.

If a woman has low self-esteem, creating an equal relationship with another human being, especially a man, if one has been abused, is very very difficult. Getting sucked into the mental system, labeled faulty, and with being in the system, and on disability, assuming the life long poverty that goes with that, and the lowest scum of the earth social status, sure didn't help self esteem issues any, or my prospects of developing a loving equal stable relationship with a man.

Now I'm old and will never have a family. Not much I can do about it now. I've also been isolated so much of life I am eccentric and have few people skills as a result.

Sure is a heartache for me, but I have to just understand that's the way it is.

I'd love to have a bunch of girlfriends to go out with to some pub, raise some pints, laugh it up and make jokes about getting old and all that. But I don't have such friends, so that's just the way it is.

I don't like going out to eat. My younger brother and his wife do. He's been by twice in the last few years and we've gone to Red Robin, a restuarant I just can't stand. I don't like it because it has zero atmosphere and the food is like trough eating: high fat and high sugar, as much as you can stuff down.

If I was to spend money to eat out, I'd sure want to have some sort of experience, and not just waste money on lard and sugar. Like going somewhere with atmosphere.

I don't know how I would describe "atmosphere". I think pubs, at least some, have atmosphere. I don't know why I think that. About the only pubs I've been to are the McMinnamin chain. Keni, Poppa's president, and I used to go to the one at Rock Creek for a lunch break when working hard and dirty at the nursery, Recycled Gardens. I have good memories of those lunches. Maybe it was only about three times. I think her husband played there once. He is in a rock band and they're good!

We had a couple of volunteer parties at Recycled Gardens with a band. Usually Keni's husbands' band would close the night out and they were THE BEST. I remember a bunch of us volunteers danced for hours in the nursery to the band beneath the stars one year. Now that was a good time. I had to sleep in my car an hour to recover before driving all the way back home to Corvallis. Recycled Gardens has been closed for three years now. Poppa used to make its money selling recycled plants to prevent unwanted pets at Recycled Gardens.

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