Thursday, June 25, 2009

Didn't Go

I didn't go to the coast with the seven Lacomb kittens and one of their mothers, to the NS clinic. The drive was going to be extremely long, just one way, and I would have had to come up with more money to pay for the irresponsible behavior of others.

It was really dumb of me to involve myself once again helping those Lacomb people. They are the ones who refused to return the two orange kittens and should have gotten them fixed. I shouldn't be helping them again. I helped them get cats fixed in two places where they lived in Albany, that's how I first met them. It's stupid. Now I suffer the consequences. You'd think I would learn.

I want to leave this county in part out of spite I guess, so the residents won't have someone to dump on, to call to come help them. I want to leave in part because I'm being fed on and it hurts me to think there are so many people out there willing to do this, without a sense of right and wrong, of fair play.

Makes me feel totally unwanted, unwanted that is unless I'm sacrificing to solve someone's problem. I think this issue is with me only because I don't have family or friends in this area. I think, and maybe it is not true, if I could cut loose with friends, joke about things that happened, would help tremendously and most things I think about, when tired out, might not even cross my mind.

Like the people out off Grand Priarie I helped, loaned them a rabbit hutch, carrier, they no longer need, but have never returned. I have not had time to go way out there and retrieve it and I am intrigued by the fact they feel no inclination to call me and arrange the return of my equipment. It's interesting. Next time, I'll charge a rental fee.

I'm walking a fine line, trying to help people's cats, save their lives, prevent more births, despite the people's behaviors, like dishonesty. What do you do? If I only helped people who would donate something or were honest, well where are those people in this county anyhow? They're probably not the ones with unfixed cats so I would never meet them in the first place most likely.

It's hard for me, when people use emotional blackmail, threatening to kill cats or kittens, to get what they want. There's no good answer to that, because you can't threaten that you'll call the law, that it is illegal to abuse animals, when the law does nothing about it here and people know this.

And I'm looking into little desperate faces of kittens or cats who just want to be safe and loved and live their lives.

They have nothing to do with the issues of the mean people making the threats. It's hard for me not to save them, bring them here, tuck them into my bathroom, try to have faith I will somehow find them a home. That faith has not been strong enough lately I guess, or deep enough, because I am not coming up with homes anymore. Is the only answer then to quit doing this, if I end up with cats here I can't find homes for, too many, enough so that I struggle and end up dead here, of lonliness and for want of recreation and healthy exercise?

The toll on me has been huge. I've gained 40 pounds since moving to Albany. That is bad. The stress is tremendous. There's nowhere to hide from the animal problems here in Linn County. I rarely get enough sleep and there's no place to get away close by. I will die.

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